How do we get our children to NOT Trust us?

How do we get our children to NOT Trust us?

It is impossible to come across a new born who does not trust his people, his surroundings. In fact, once comfortable their trust doesn’t have any degree; they trust everyone in the same manner.
But as they start to grow up and understand, they are introduced to MISTRUST. And more often than not – it’s the parents who bring this on.
Often, in order to get our work done with peace, without any interruption or tantrums from our children we resolve to and lying to them. It becomes easier to take them to the doctor or slip away for a movie. So in short term – it benefits the parents but in the long run we are not only teaching our children to lie and manipulate us (using the same techniques) but also pass them the message that – My parents don’t do what they say, that I can’t trust them and of course it is okay to lie and hide things.
So before your next vaccination shot – just tell your child the truth, give her a chance to process it and set the expectation straight – that there would be no compromise with this action. Assure her that it will be a small prick and a brave child like her would be able to deal with it.
Once we start being truthful to our children at all times, it might cause us a little inconvenience in the beginning but this practice has huge benefits in the long run.

Teacher Training Programme (ongoing) at Haldwani, Uttrakhand

Parwarish started a 3 months, pre-service teachers’ certification program at Haldwani, Uttrakhand under the aegis of Ray Foundation in November 2016.  The aim of this training is to empower the teachers in nurturing No-limitness of students.The program also finds a mention on official website of Uttarakhand's Directorate of Higher Education. Here, a team member shares her experience of leading the programme.

THE BEGINNING

Precisely 6 days into training. 8^th day since the time I moved to Haldwani… does anything seem to be different? Does anything seem to be changed?

A decision taken approximately 3 months back- ‘lets open a teachers training institute somewhere outside Delhi’. Reaction from the team was like - ‘extremely excited’.

Next question- who will be the one leaving everything back home and going to stay there in the foothills of Nainital and lead the Program? Not to forget- ‘starting from the scratch’?

Answer- Nupur/ Sushant!

Reasons- Sushant because he is the Director of Parwarish

Nupur, because she remains keen and eager to go out, travel and pick up something new. What else, it defines her completely! It brings the best out of her! That’s what she is!

While still being on my Euro trip, I get a confirmation message from Sushant, saying- “So should I say a yes for October 20^th?” I was still confused. As much excited as I was earlier; this question really required some serious thinking from my end. My mind suddenly became skeptic and wanted to play safe! It felt like buying some more time and suddenly I found myself replying- “lemme come back and have a serious discussion with my peeps back home”. Heart in heart I knew that they have no say in this! If I decide that I want to go out, stay there and lead this program, I will eventually end up doing it!

One of the biggest problems in being able to understand and articulate your feelings so well is that then your inner voice doesn’t let it die! You are so damn clear about your fears and what is stopping you, that it then just doesn’t let you be maintaining your peace and being in your own comfort zone! Then it becomes that big red bug with black polka dots that do not let you sleep. The questions that kept on haunting me throughout were something like these: “Nupur, you know you want to go, then what are you stopping yourself from in saying a yes to the project?’ “Nupur, don’t act such a coward! Go and take it up”, “Nupur, you know you will enjoy it immensely and you will cry your heart out if someone else goes and you sit here doing the usual/ regular stuff! You are going and saying a yes to it tomorrow!”

The result- as much as I resisted myself, but I eventually found myself packing for boarding the train to Haldwani on 4^th Nov’2016!

Coming here and setting it up in the 1^st place was never easy! With pictures and imaginations of a beautiful small apartment with 2 separate rooms and a nice small balcony; I had pushed myself already to move forward for a new life for at least 3 months. Leaving friends and family back; I prayed to reach on time for catching the train as I had almost missed it! Reached the station at 4:05, were as the train was scheduled to reach at 4pm. With the train coming in late at the platform; it made me almost sure that this project has to start with you Nupur, with you being the main lead!

Reaching Haldwani shattered not only dreams for a great place to stay, but it also let me down in terms of the arrangements made there. Apart from the 2 beds, the house also offered us with 2 guests- these were 2 girls who were supposed to be our participants from the next day onwards! We had nothing else to sustain ourselves with.

Next day had to start with leading the 1st batch of TTI Haldwani; and a night before we were looking at how to sustain ourselves with the minimum amounts of means to survive the night to be able to lead the next day!

The day started with a bang! We met 14 people. They had everything different! The way they looked, the way they dressed, the way they spoke… I think I was ready for facing a different world out here, but I dint imagine it would be so different! As we proceeded with our day 1, with rounds of introductions and activities to make them a part of the program and owning it up; my fears and apprehensions of how will I be able to lead the program went on increasing!

Sushant was expected to leave the next day. My apprehensions were so great that I wanted him to stay here like forever. I wanted him to lead on the 2^nd day as well. However, he made a wise decision to stay aside and not come in when I was leading…and I managed my way through on 2^nd day of leading as well

How is the group? Eager, keen, enthusiastic bunch of people from Haldwani who have joined and are looking forward to become great teachers. Meritoriously, they are B.Ed, but due to some gaps these people are without jobs.

I was completely uncertain about how to take them forward on day 1. I shared my apprehensions with my team. With no background of speaking English, many of them having no experiences in teaching; my biggest apprehension was- “Will they be able to think through? Will they be able to see the importance of building connect with children? Or will they just be pushing me ahead with – we want you to tell us which teaching aids to use and don’t give us all this which is ‘non-teaching’!”

ANOTHER DAY…

The situation really got heated up between 2 participants- A and B today. (names hidden for confidentiality)

I wanted to resolve it, but I was held back by something: Is it the right time to do it? As I thought it will be best resolved by ‘Working out Together’ (WOT) exercise.

However, the situation became really tough today.

More than anything else, I was upset. Upset about why did this fight had to happen? Now this will ruin my plan of doing WOT with the group! Yes!! That’s me! I was thinking about ‘Bloody hell, any which way I am too wary of doing WOT with any group; and now this would be too difficult to do within the group: and that too with the 2 most amazingly different leading participants of the group! Ms. A and Ms. B! ( names hidden for confidentiality)

The point is not about how I would want to define each one of them. But it’s about how their heated arguments disrupted my plans about WOT! Aaahhhh...I felt like crying over there! Now I am at my wits end! The trainer side of me tells me that this needs to be resolved in a proper manner and it also tells me how this needs to be done at the earliest. On the same hand, I have to make them complete the understanding of VARK learning styles (another concept), then take them to ownership. I had planned to then take it to the resolving the timing issues and the issues with leaves, using the WOT model. But now what!!!

The trainer side of me can also envisage what will happen when I will ask them to come in the front to talk about it. The kinds of resistance that I would have to face from both of them. How will I make them reach the exact problem? B will become too defensive and will not open up! All of these are my huge assumptions about them! Yes they are but then, isn’t it also coming from my experiences with them? Yes of course!

Aaarrgghh...the point is I am too afraid that I will not be able to either resolve their issue, nor will I be able to make the class understand WOT in the best possible manner! Putting at stake class’s understanding of WOT at the cost of solving their problem- which apparently none of them wanted to resolve? Moreover, what about resolving the timing issues using WOT?

Anyway, planning the way ahead is the only thing of sanity left. So let me start doing it from tomorrow. I will have to pick it up from somewhere! After all the trainer within me is too strong to let me take it as a failure already, without even giving it a try! As I addressed in the class, these emotions and reactions had already started coming up against each other in the class, but were somewhere very under the surface. The exercise today, blew it up! So, let me take it as an opportunity and bring all the emotions up and give my class the ways to handle such problems, even when they themselves will face all of this being the class teachers.

Also, I have to focus upon how important is a person doing all the earlier concepts, that have really built a rock-solid base for people to take a stand for resolving all these issues. Will really have to see how A picks it up, even without the base work.

You know at these times, what is the best 1 liner that I like saying to myself? ‘YOU CAN DO IT NUPUR!’

Experiencing the process of science in one of the session

Written By Nupur Mahajan, Parwarish

My child is not ready to listen to me!

My child is not ready to listen to me!

Nowadays almost every parent complains the same, words may differ but they share almost the same kind of experience. For instance:  1. “my child is not doing the same stuff which we are telling him/her to do”; 2. “my child is not ready to listen and some time they listen but do not respond to the same”;

3. “my child is not ready to listen when I want to talk to him/her”; 4. “My child tends to do opposite of what I tell him to do”.

Parents who simultaneously complain the same, do they ever talk to their children with intention and words which express their true feeling?

Let’s say for example:

Daughter: mom I want to go the party tonight at a friend’s friend house?

Mother: NO! You can’t!

Daughter: Moms please! All my friends are coming there.

Mother: no you are not going, that’s final.

In this particular conversation between mother and daughter the intention is to protect the daughter, but because the mother is feeling unprotected for the daughter. She is getting worried about the strange place and people!  But the mother didn’t communicate the same. What her daughter is getting from the conversation is denial of permission for party and that she can never ask for such things to the mother again and the mother is actually not ready to listen to her.

Let’s talk with intention:

Daughter: Mom I want to go the party tonight at a friend’s friend house?

Mother: My dear, going for a party is pretty okay, but I am worried about sending you at strange people’s house. I love you and care for you. There are increasing numbers of abuse and molestation cases now a day. So I am really not able to decide whether to send you there or not.

Stay calm and connect to the feelings

Children often complain that parents do not understand what they say and are also not ready to listen. At the same time parents complain the same. Often parents are full of their own emotions and as a result they are not able to see the feelings and emotions of their child. Try to acknowledge your own feelings and then look at the things and the requirements of a situation from children’s angle. Don’t shout at them. Be their friend.

Be a good listener first

The most common complaint of parents these days is of children throwing TANTRUMS and that they don’t listen to them anymore. First try to listen what your child is really talking about.  If child is yelling and shouting instead of having proper conversation, just remember to remain calm and composed and if you respond to them, respond with calmness because after one or two calm responses the child may get calm in their response too. Most people already use this technique in their day to day life such as when communicating with an authoritative figure, business meetings etc. but they don’t apply this with their children.

So the louder your child yells the softer you must respond.

 Written by Sana Parveen, Parwarish Institute of Parenting

Be What You Want Your Child To Be!

Can we see the world from the child's point of view? Can we try living his life?

Not literally, of course. May be it sounds crazy or even impossible? A difficult question, indeed. Let us give it a try, explore the untrodden roads of the 'private life of a child'.

Innocence, love, passion for adventure, carefree attitude, relaxed at wrong moments, insatiable curiosity, a mixed bag of joy and responsibility - these terms could paint the image of the child from the adults point of view. We are so obsessed with our own lives, work and stress that we miss out a few more terms in this list: Trust, yearning for the sense of security, experimenting facts, asserting independence, the ability to monitor the vibes of the grown-ups. Sounds too bookish and theoretical? Hold on.

When was it the last time that you were really confined to bed? You and I, we have all certainly undergone at least one such terrible period. All that flashes in our mind is that we were so dependent on others, longing for love, care and empathy. And the burning desires to be set free to live the life of our choice. The child looks forward to these too, but on a positive note. We have to fall sick to understand what trust and love mean. He is simply normal.

We do not like to be compared with someone who performs better. The ego hurts and the self-esteem takes a nose dive. As for the child, it triggers an internal breakdown switching off the love for learning, in order to outdo his own previous records.

Was it Jesus who said "Do unto others what you like others to do unto you"? In our context, maybe we should say, 'Be what you want your child to be'. Very true!!!! Don't we see a little of our own mother and father in ourselves - whether on a 'good' note or an 'unwanted' trait?

It would pay rich dividends to relive our childhood through the child, enjoying the happiness that we might have missed, rather than dumping our lost dreams into him so as to see the second ideal version of our very own "improved' self.

That's food for thought.

Result: Your child enjoys a blessed childhood.

Written by Sushant Kalra, Parwarish Institute of Parenting

My Child Is Not Me!

The newspaper heading - "Vegetable seller amputee son wins the gold at Paralympics' and my son is nowhere despite me giving him everything from attention (even gave up my career to focus on him) and love to the best school and best coaching!"

I grew up getting a real experience of raising children! Don't fret I wasn't raising kids as a kid. But I was being raised by my parents. And I was at the receiving end of their parenting. As I grew up I experienced the great things a parent could do to a child. They took care of me, dressed me up everyday for school. Even with limited means, my school dress was immaculate: cleaned and ironed to perfection everyday, shoes polished and my hair made to the extent that each strand was in its place. And my dad himself used to make sure it is like that everyday; while mom was up before I was ensuring that I get fresh and healthy food for tiffin. Dad was home every evening on time to spend time with family, annual trips, respect for others etc. And the list goes on.

And then there was this list of things which I didn't like (at times hating them for doing it) - there were stuff I was not allowed to be a part of (they used to say "its badon ki baatein"). They wouldn't talk to me about the difficulties they were facing, everything which had to be done for the home was their job - you concentrate on studies and play and enjoy life, I always felt that I could add value or at least learn from their experiences, then there were times when I would be slapped for my behavior or breaking something at home. I would say to myself - as it is I am feeling bad and sorry for what I did; I am guilty of making you unhappy and causing a financial loss (for me breaking a bulb while playing was a dent in the monthly budget and I was responsible for increasing the financial burden) and I used to say children are sensitive and feeling bad about their deed, we need a big hug rather than chiding for it.

So, here I was 30 years old grown-up with parenting experience of about 24/25 years! Ready to do it absolutely right with my children. Not just knowing but absolutely certain about THE BEST way of raising a perfect child. With 25 years of experience and that too experiencing it on myself. There cannot be a more apt person to raise a child. With my knowledge, ability, experience my child will turn out to be perfect. I knew what to focus on and how to focus on so that he does perfectly at school - academically and co-curricular. I knew exactly what goes missing in expressing yourself with others, what to do and what not to do and I will give it all to my child. With my support and attention he cannot go wrong!

Fast forward a few years. Despite my attention and focus on him he is not doing well in his studies, he gets on to phone, he's participating in a bit of sports but is not playing the guitar I was so keen he would be able to and I had got him the best of the teacher. I think either there is something wrong with him or it's something to do with the company he keeps.

How can I go wrong with my bringing up. I really did everything right. And I knew it in my blood and bones that's exactly what I wanted, felt and experienced and I was conscious of it every moment.

At Parwarish I realised that whatever I did was what I experienced, what I felt, what I wanted and I needed. I got the tools to really understand his feelings, needs, wants, style - and the world shifted!

My child is not me! 

Written By Sushant Kalra, Parwarish Institute of Parenting

How To Punish a Child

What is punishment? Punishment is nothing but a rough handling of a situation or a penalty. Whenever you give punishment to your child remember that you are only giving penalty to him/her. That’s it and punishment has nothing to do with “the behavior” you want in your child. Punishment doesn’t modify the behavior of your child.

Punishment basically ruins the relationship of a parent and a child and in most cases as the age of child increases, intensity of punishment also increases as a result making the parent-child relationship worse.Reported aggressive behavior in most of the children is nothing but the outcome of lots of punishment which further result into rebellious attitude.

Try not to use punishment instead of punishment it is better to use consequences.

Consequences are the result of a particular action or situation. Implementing consequences is actually not easy for parents as well asfor the children, and it also takes alot of courage for the parents to implement and for the children to follow. Rather than giving punishment to the child, set consequences with the child. Try to connect to the intention behind your child’s behavior or particular action or it’s better to ask your child about his/her own behavior. Try to sit with them and co-create the consequences with them, because consequences are created with children not by parents alone. Since consequences are co-created with children, they will follow the consequences.

By setting consequences parents not only exclude the punishment but introduce the new term in their parenting style and for which you have neither complaints nor does your child. There is no need to shout at them because in this way your relation is getting spoilt with your children. Plus you don’t have to poke or nag them for every small thing.

Let's take some examples of parents and teachers who have been applying consequences with children: 

·  A father whose son has a habit of spitting almost every time and everywhere, father wants to end the “spitting” behavior of his son……. Both of them sat together and co-created the consequences of it. Father knows that his son loves milk, so he co-creates that when his son spit anywhere then his milk will get skipped.

·  A teacher co-creating the consequences for not completing the home work in class.

Teacher along with her whole class co-created that they start playing  games in the beginning of every class and  whenever any  student comes to class without completing  his/her homework then that child will not be allowed to play the game and has to complete the home work by sitting outside the class room.

This flourished so beautifully and consequences were followed by the children themselves. After practicing this for one or two weeks the children who had not completed their homework they themselves went outside the class room and completed their homework and came to the class later.

Note: -   1. Consequences have to be co-created   

              2.  Every time consequences have to be applied                                   whenever such a behavior occurs that you want to                              exclude/correct.

Written by Sana Parveen, Parwarish Institute of Parenting Pvt. Ltd. 

Negotiating Successfully with Children

As parents, you have said these words a million times.

“Eat your vegetables.”

“Put the video game away and complete your homework.”

“Shut the computer and go and play.”

You have also heard the responses.

“My stomach hurts.”

“I’ll do it tomorrow.”

“Just ten more minutes.”

Life with children is an ongoing negotiation; be it about sleeping on time, studying, watching TV, or spending time on the computer. The word, negotiating, sounds like a ‘bad’ word. Should you be negotiating with your children at all? But whether you like it or not, we all are doing it.

Negotiating with children is a challenging process and when not done right leads to unhappiness and frustration. As parents, you may feel you gave in too early while your children may feel they had no say in the matter. Whatever the outcome maybe, someone is always unhappy. So, how can you negotiate more successfully with your children?

Let’s look at some of the negotiating skills we use at work to resolve issues and see how you can translate these into helping you negotiate with your children at home. At work we usually proceed with a plan that involves initiating a discussion, identifying the problem at hand, discussing possible solutions and listing them down, analyzing all the solutions to narrow down on one, implementing the solution, and reviewing at a later date to assess its effectiveness and tweaking the solution, if required.

These things come naturally to us when we are at work. Now it’s time to take this home!

1. Initiate a discussion: Get together in a room with your child and initiate a discussion on the issue at hand. You could start the discussion with something like, “So, here’s a situation. Let’s figure out, how we can resolve it.” By not accusing the child of having a problem, you are avoiding a situation where the child might get defensive right at the start. The problem / issue is not with the child – it’s an issue you both are dealing with together.

2. Identify the problem clearly: It’s important to state the problem clearly. If the problem is that the child is watching TV for three hours every day then say it. But at the same time, remember not to club issues together. For example, you may say, “You are playing too many video games and that’s why you are not getting good grades.” If that’s actually the case, then state it but if playing video games is either not clearly the reason for low grades or not the only reason for low grades, then don’t link the two. Be specific to the problem at hand.

3. Write down everyone’s idea: Make a list of all the ideas proposed during the discussion. Remember not to reject or criticize any idea, however bizarre it may sound. While sharing ideas listen to your child’s point of view – it’s a valid point of view.

    4. Discuss all ideas and narrow down to a solution: Once all the ideas are on the table, you can start to narrow down to a solution. With consensus: delete, add, or club ideas to identify a few possible solutions. It may not always be possible to narrow down to one solution but through discussion, everyone can be persuaded to try out a solution to start with. 

5. Assign responsibilities: Once the solution is decided, it is important to run through how it will be implemented so that everyone knows what they are supposed to do.

     6. Propose a review of the solution: Propose a review date for the solution to see how well it is working. This gives you an option to revisit the solution and if it is not working, you can suggest some changes to make it more effective.

Here is what this approach does -

·   It targets the problem and not the persons involved; parents or children. This prevents any resentment from brewing between the two.

·  It derives solutions through consensus, making the children feel involved in the decision-making process. This makes it more likely to succeed.

·     The ideation and open discussion helps build trust between parents and children.

·      Also, it trains them in resolving issues amicably in life!

So, next time you negotiate with your children, remember that negotiating is not about winning or losing. It is about exploring options objectively and creating a win – win for all.