PARTNER WITH THE TEACHER

Parents are anxious to know about the progress of their child and depend largely on the teachers. Whereas the teachers feel that their efforts can go in vain unless supported by the parents. This gap can make the child suffer and a partnership can make the child prosper. Find out how?

“Please meet the Class supervisor”

“Please meet the class teacher – it’s urgent”

“I want to meet the parents”

“Parents, we need to talk about your child”

These are some of the notes from a child’s school diary. 

Here’s an excerpt from a conversation on a PTM-

Teacher: ‘Sir, your son is always disturbing the class. I have been writing the notes in his diary for you to read, but none of those notes are counter signed by you.’

Parent: ‘Notes? I haven’t seen any of them. He has never shown his diary to me.’

Teacher: ‘Actually Sir, it is your duty to check your child’s diary regularly. That’s exactly what we had told all the parents on the orientation.’

Parent: ‘Ok, but he has been pretty well behaved at home. We never have had any such problem. There must be something about the school or class that he is behaving like this. Or maybe the other children are instigating him.’

Teacher: ‘Sir, this is the problem with all parents – when we tell them anything about their child, everyone starts blaming the school for the deeds of their child.’

Parent: ‘If everyone is saying something like this – then there must be some truth in it!’

Does the above conversation sound familiar? On every PTM, the child and the issues he is dealing with takes a back seat and the tussle between who’s responsibility is it becomes primary. The reason can be any– the child is not studying, doesn’t concentrate, no support at home, is not interested, is hyper active, is misbehaving et al. But the dialogue invariably gets to who’s responsibility is it?

We want to take this conversation to a slightly different space. What does every parent want for their child? To be happy, have self confidence and self esteem, have the ability to take good decisions, be a good human being, responsible, creative, intelligent, healthy, respect elders, respect the environment, be a good citizen, have the ability to build a good career, be able have skills to manage his/her life. 

Now let’s ask the teachers the same question – What do they want for your students? The list goes on something like this - to be happy, have self confidence and self esteem, have the ability to take good decisions, be a good human being, responsible, creative, intelligent, healthy, respect elders, respect the environment, be a good citizen, have the ability to build a good career, be able to have skills to manage his/her life.

And suddenly we realize that what a parent wants is exactly the same as what a teacher wants! 

Surprising but true!

 From our day to day interactions, the PTMs, the discussions with each other – we get a feeling that the parents and teachers are on two different sides, trying to prove to each other how they are right and the other side is wrong. Teachers say that parents are not cooperative and pressurize the  child, while the parent blames  the teachers and the school is so stuck up and put stress on the poor child.

It is sad to see that how two communities - parents and teachers - whose prime focus is to provide the best for the child, to nurture them and to have a great future, actually end up blaming each other. 

The shift required from both the parents and teachers is to realize that if they both want the same thing for their children, and that they actually are in the same team. It’s like both Dhoni and Tendulkar playing to make India win! Since they want the same result, they are in one team.

This shift of just realizing that both parents and teachers are on the same side, wanting the same results for the child, would transform the conversation from whose fault is it to – let’s work together for the same goal. 

Imagine, two parties who actually want the same for the child working together. It wouldn’t be an additive effect but a multiplier effect on the results

So, how do now make the shift?

Step 1: Realizing that teachers and parents are actually on the same side. (both want the best for the child): It may not appear so, but that’s the truth

Step 2: Parents and teachers of the child meeting up at the start of the year to create this partnership. Understand their needs and communicate yours. A meeting with the agenda of just aligning with each other. This may look like a waste of time, but believe me this is going to alter your child’s experience at school for the whole year.

Step 3:  In every subsequent interaction start with aligning on ‘what do you actually want for the child’. Every interaction would have a different point of views but the underlying ‘want’ would be the same. 

Step 4: Never ever blame the other in front of the child. This would break the partnership.

Let’s look at each other as part of one team. Let’s not waste time blaming. Let’s focus on what we want and make it happen. 

Happy Parenting!

Written By Sushant Kalra, Parwarish

HOW TO AVOID SUMMER LEARNING LOSS IN CHILDREN

One of the biggest struggles that any student face throughout his/her lifetime as a student is s/he doesn’t have the answer of “Why am I studying?”

Studies came into existence to explain life. Newton gave our world the formula for gravity after he saw the apple falling! He observed the life phenomena and then tried to explain it in theory. Unfortunately, what we study in schools now is just the formula and some questions based upon it! The entire fun about experiencing gravity is completely lost! However, the ideal way to look at one’s textbooks is really wondering about how the content written in my book is related to my real life at the current moment? So isn’t summer break a great way to start thinking about it?

What about creating a different perspective for looking at your textbooks? Looking at history and seeing how are those times different than my current times? For instance, Create a dialogue between Mahatma Gandhi  and Hitler on their strategies of winning a war (as both of them operated from different philosophies to win a battle). Creating a face book page/ short presentations/ watching the cinemas/ movies based upon those times/ collecting photographs/ valuables from those earlier times. Visiting a museum of that time. Making Board games with riddles or cards to play ahead with peers or with people of all ages. Using the indoor play time to do a short drama by playing different characters from your language/ civics/ History books – with your friends.

Looking at your geography books- and planning a real tour for your family. Deciding all by yourself, the places to be visited, means of transportation to reach there, total amounts of expenditure that would be required per person.  

Break time doesn’t make you forget everything! On the other hand, it’s a perfect time to look into how can I apply my studies in my day to day life and How can I start having Fun in studies! 

Written By Nupur Mahajan, Parwarish

IT TAKES 2!

Father!

We have been very often asked about the role of a Father in raising a child –

•        What do I need to do? Her mother will come for the PTM
•         As it is I am not able to spend time with her
•         Its primarily is a mother’s job
•         I guess she should come for this workshop. She is struggling        with our child.
•          I have been trying to tell her to ease out with him, but she            doesn’t understand. I am coming for the workshop only for           her
•           Etc. etc.

If I ask all the children from the age of say 2-10 yrs old – Who is your Hero? Each one of them says DAD! Irrespective of the gender DAD is the Hero

The hero is dad! And we all want to emulate and be like our dad. And that defines the role of a Father.

When we had our first child, I wanted to be at least an equal participant in his bringing up. The reason was very different from what it actually turned out to be! Monica had been working full time, a career woman for whom working was life.

My philosophy of a life partner was to contribute in all aspects of our married life. If she is earning and taking care of Aman and home then I need to contribute towards home and raising Aman. In the early days she was feeding so I took on changing him, bathing him. The question lots of my friends asked was “where did you learn this?” – The answer was practice. That broke one of the myths which I believe in now... – changing and bathing a child comes naturally to women – no it’s just about trying it out and learning-on-the-job.

That was the start of my partnership in bringing up children, and my journey of self-discovery, my journey of knowing about how our society is not utilizing the power of a man and a woman in building a stronger future generation, how a fathers absence contributes to the societal issues plaguing us!

      Every human being is born with both masculine and feminine traits. I am not             talking about gender here – but traits. To name a few feminine traits...

•         Thoughtfulness.
•         Beauty. There's a softness, a slight curviness, a delicateness to feminine beauty.
•         Empathy.
•         Vulnerability.
•         Sharing.
•         Patience.
•         Nurturing.

The above are the ones suppressed in the Indian boys and men. These traits when exhibited by boys (men) in our society are considered ‘weak’. These are ones which will make the MAN complete.

Just to give you an idea – Aman now is 17, a millennial, and we all know that as an adolescent boy it’s very difficult to share your feelings let alone cry out. The presence of a father and my sharing of my ups and downs in life with him over the years of growth, has him develop and exhibit his softer side. In the process I got an access to them for myself – completing my experience of life

This gave him the values of not just respecting women but also valuing them as equal.

The Masculine ones are suppressed in our girls and the feminine are the ones which our boys struggle acknowledging and expressing. The father especially in the Indian Context has the unique position and a role to nurture their children. His participation in bringing up children can naturally add the masculine traits which come naturally to the man – in their daughters and the feminine traits in themselves - in their boys.

Above all, Parenting is one of the most fulfilling and a pleasurable experience. It’s been 17 years of parenting for me and Monica. There have been umpteen times in our life – both professional and personal when we have been stressed, frustrated and down. Walking in home and seeing Vaanya’s smile, she running to the door and giving me a hug, took away loads of pressure!

To all the fathers - Why would you want to keep that part of the fulfillment of life away for yourself?

Father – a huge opportunity for self, for the child and for the future of our society.

 Written By Sushant Kalra, Parwarish

HANDLING DEMANDS OF CHILDREN

Am I a bad parent if I don’t fulfill my child’s demands? Will my child ever stop demanding? Do all children demand stuff from their parents all the time? What kind of demands is justified and what shouldn’t be fulfilled for children? These and many more such questions abound the parent’s minds these days. Many parents surrender to children’s demands with a good intention of love and care for their child but in reality it is not always helping their child in his/her growth for life. Sometimes parents feel guilty of working for long hours and then compensate by fulfilling their child’s every demand and sometimes they bribe their children with gifts in order to get them to do their homework or studies. Many parents, who feel that they had been denied of certain luxuries in their childhood, want to fulfill their child’s every need so that their child doesn’t feel left out or unloved. All this is done with good intentions without realizing the impact it can have on the child. This instant gratification of having their demands fulfilled can send wrong messages to children about how to manage their life in future. For e.g. they may not respect the value of money, they may learn to manipulate to get a yes for everything and many other things. How a parent responds to their child’s requests and demands teaches the child some important life skills like communication, empathy, respect and money management.  Although saying no can be tough sometimes but it can be an important lesson for children to ensure they are prepared for life when they grow up and have to fend for themselves.

Parents can respond constructively to their children by taking some time to think about the following points whenever their child puts across a demand:

1.    First of all listen in a non-judgmental way and see where the demands are coming from. Is it a legitimate demand or is it whims and fancies. Whatever the demands be, refrain from using physical force and focus on building connect by having an open conversation.

2.    Sometimes tantrums and demands are not consciously willful but indicate a deep need of the child. Maybe the child is overwhelmed with emotion due to something that happened with his/her friends or it can be any other reason. Demanding constantly may be a way to unleash his unmet need. The idea is to make the child unlearn this behavior by talking to him about his feelings and establishing connect.

3.     Be honest and truthful with your child. If the child demands of an expensive thing like a mobile phone which you can’t afford then tell the child calmly about your financial affordability rather than putting yourself under pressure to please them. Children’s understanding of such matters can far exceed our expectations if we treat them as responsible beings capable of understanding. Whether you choose to fulfill a demand or not, always give a valid reason to your child without camouflaging it behind a story.

4.   Once you say no, stick to your reason without falling prey to fusillade of questions or tantrums from children. No means no and not maybe.

5.    Lastly, model the behavior you wish to have from your child. Respond in a calm way and in case you feel angry, share your feelings with your child and find a solution together. After all parenting becomes a beautiful journey when there is a two way communication between the parent and the child. This helps in resolving power struggles too. 

Remember that, a demanding child provides a parent with a great opportunity to 

teach. Enjoy this beautiful journey of learning with each other. Happy Parenting!

Written By Namrita Singh, Parwarish

HOW TO TALK TO YOUR CHILD ABOUT VIOLENCE, TERRORISM AND WAR

In the current scenario, where the heinous acts of terrorism, violence and war make headlines in media--the pertinent question remains: how to talk to your kids about these sensitively?

The recent mob lynching case, Kashmir violence, war in Syria - parents are often in a fix while trying to explain to their children about the gory acts of terror and violence. Violence, war, terrorism etc. freezes parents when a child asks them about it. Media both print and digital are sensationalizing war and terrorism. Parents don’t want to expose their children to the unpleasantness of war and thus, normally take two routes – i.e. ignore their questions and/or not letting them read about / watch these events.

Many times children ask a lot of questions from their parents which may place parents at a loss of words to answer. Questions about violence, terrorism, war, religious intolerance etc are some of the hardest to answer. There can be two situations in such a scenario, one that sometimes parents themselves don’t understand it and two even though the parents understand it in their own way they are not sure if, when and how much information to give to their children. The other pertinent questions going through their head could be whether to share their personal beliefs or not; how to make children feel safe in a world that’s constantly feeling threatened and vulnerable or how to share age-appropriate information etc.

Let your child express

The present time is an anxious time for adults as well as children with news channels and newspapers/magazines flooded with reports on all kinds of violence, war and terrorism. In such a scenario, it is very important for the parents to listen to their child and ask about the child’s feelings and what he/she is thinking about the whole incident. First get them to express themselves and don’t analyze or process what the child is feeling. Get them to open up. Next, acknowledge the child for sharing. Very young children (up to 8-9 year old) may get confused when they hear some people are against the war and some people support it. They do not yet understand the politics and fanaticism behind wars and may also get puzzled by links between religion and a war. On the other hand children in elementary school and high school (age 10 and above) may feel a need to take a stand or action. They may be interested in knowing more about the situation and may also wish to be involved in charitable activities related to the violent acts. It can also be the case that children don’t have anything to share about.

How to make your kid to share

Every child is not necessarily comfortable talking about the incidents. Many a times, kids may end up internalizing what they have been exposed to. Parents may feel tempted to ignore discussing such topics or to watch news on a current event with their children in order to protect them from unpleasant realities but it may not be an option with older children who are already exposed to all kinds of news from T.V., school or after chatting with friends etc. With children it is healthy to discuss with them about their fears and let them share their feelings because watching media coverage with violence especially repeated telecast may be stressful for children even when it is not affecting them directly. Here’s what they can do:

1.     Parents can also help children not to generalize their opinions about a whole group of people or an entire religion. They need to emphasize on the fact that such acts of violence and terrorism are caused by very specific people for their own personal interests rather than interests of humanity as a whole. These are the people who use aggressive means to satisfy their wants. Also these can be great teaching moments for parents to discuss about family issues and build something great about the family like discussing about a previous fight within the family and coping skills to resolve the same. Anything can be resolved and worked out if people communicate their intentions clearly.

2.  Such events can prove to be a perfect opportunity for parents to encourage their children to empathize. It will give them a chance to reflect upon their roles as a family in the society. Encourage children to express their support and concern for victims of such events. For example participating in charitable activities, lighting candles for people who have lost their lives, praying together, donating pocket money in school’s fund raising activities, disaster management etc.

3.    There are no easy answers to the questions children may ask in such a scenario and sometimes a parent may also want to grieve if a loved one’s life is lost due to an act of violence.It is better to grieve as a family than to hide or suppress feelings. This promotes healthy coping skills. Reassure to your children that you love them and that they are safe and secure.

4.      Acts of violence can also be an opportunity to discuss the issues of aggression, anger, impatience, pride and also peaceful and non violent ways to deal with a situation.  Expose children to nonviolent role models in history like Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Jr, and Nelson Mandela etc. It is equally important to model tolerance and be accepting and understanding of others' opinions when discussing the roots of violence and war as misunderstandings, differences in religion and culture, intolerance, religious fanaticism etc. Also, this is an opportunity for parents to discuss and reflect about intolerance happening in the child’s life and their own life like fights happening in school, bullying, neighbors fighting, people breaking traffic rules on the road etc. This can make them both reflect about his/her own life and his/her ways of dealing with such issues.

Although sometimes these topics may be difficult to discuss with children, these conversations are extremely important to understand the child’s feelings. They give parents an opportunity to help their children understand the world in which they live and to reaffirm their love. Do not worry about questions for which you don’t have an answer, instead of ignoring it just wondering aloud and reflecting with your child about such matters forms a deep connection in the long run. Also, as parents what is most important is to concentrate on the child’s feelings and getting them to express themselves.

Always remember and share with your children that for every person involved in terrorism or war there are a few thousands wanting to spread peace. For every ‘bad’ person there are a few thousand ‘good’ people in the world.

Written By Namrita Singh, Parwarish

Parenting is simple but not easy

“Making the decision to have a child - it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ” 

And that's not easy. We are not just worried about their health, their future but the anxiety of they getting hurt even if it's a bruise, it hurts us more that it probably hurts them.

We won't sleep a wink when our little price or princess is unwell.

We always want to be with them lest they get hurt. Wanting to support them for everything. Be it feeding them, putting them to bed, getting them ready for school, ensuring that they have done their Homework and are prepared for their exams. Have they eaten well? Have they eaten healthy? Have they had enough sleep? Are they well covered? Et all These questions are never ending. As our pediatrician said to us when Aman was 3 months old, your worrying for your child will never end, even until he is 80! It’s a life-long phenomenon only the modalities of what you are worried about is going to change.

Having said that; there are no manuals for bringing up children and there is no set method. But there are tools and techniques – some fundamentals which if keep in mind and used in your our unique way in your own unique environment work like miracles.

One of the most fundamental and yet simple shift which we need to make in parenting is to understand what is parenting. To simply put it Parenting is the art of making your child responsible for their life!

Simple! But not easy. To make him responsible for his food, hygiene, studies, getting ready, health etc. we have to give up being the one responsible for these. The more we do not take responsibility of their life the more they start taking it up. However we are not talking about ‘letting them be’ we are saying making them responsible and to keep putting back the responsibility and the consequences thereof on them till they take it on themselves.

The way to it – “let them fall and experience the consequences” –

SIMPLE but not easy

The second fundamental approach to parenting is that “children do exactly what you do and not what you say”. You don’t have to become a role model – You are one! They copy you, especially till the around they are 10 odd years old – or until the time they realize that parents say something but do something else and therefore they can’t be trusted.

So simple it is – you want them to have vegetables – start having vegetables with as much enthusiasm yourself, you want them to spend time together vs being on the screens; be together and give up being on the phone etc. You want them to be meeting people and chating up sharing – do that yourself and see the impact!

SIMPLE.. but not easy.

One of the most difficult but simple fundamental of parenting is the ability to listen. Just listen to them and they will talk and share their world. Listening means – getting their world, their feelings, their emotions without judging or evaluating them, without telling them that is was right or wrong; or its not right to think like this; without giving them the ‘gyan’ of what not to do and what to do; without telling them ‘I told you so’. This will make them share and be close to you.

SIMPLE.. but not easy

 Written By Sushant Kalra, Founder Director, Parwarish

LET'S FALL IN LOVE WITH THE JOY OF READING!

I had often heard parents tell their kids, “Go Read! It’s a great practice!” I was really impressed by the awareness of parents at this level. When I asked them, what do you want your child to read? The answer always used to deject me… “Editorial pages, newspapers like The Hindu, magazines like Reader’s Digest, Outlook, etc.

What is the purpose of reading actually? Is it to be able to get my language correct? Is it to be able to show off my knowledge about the world? Is it about enhancing my vocabulary? Or is it about me? - about my pleasure and the way I grow as an individual every time after I read something. Maybe I can get pleasure in reading sci-fi magazines, maybe in reading champak or even Harry Potter for that matter! It all ultimately seeps down to; do we value what the child enjoys? Do we want the child to read for him/her or for showing it off to the world? If it is for them, then why can’t I let them choose their own reads?

Let’s see what reading provides to a child? Reading is a kind of activity that can give anyone extreme pleasure. I had the pleasure of talking to some wonderful children who absolutely loved reading. I asked them, “why do you love reading so much?” Some of the answers really brought huge smiles to me. They said: “I love to imagine myself in other person’s shoes and think how the life would be from that character’s angle. Had I been in his/her shoes, would I have been so impromptu in making the decisions as they took? What would have I done in that situation?” Clearly, a child who reads grows up into a child who thinks! - I thought to myself!

Not all reading could be for knowledge. For instance, another child told me, “Reading gives me a place to go, when I have to stay where I am. As in, it’s a strong and powerful escape for me from my reality.” It can seem to be a situation that’s a bit concerning as well because, it somewhere or the other is highlighting that there is something in the child’s surrounding that is currently upsetting the child- so much so that he wants to run away and get rid of it! However, isn’t having all these emotions a part of growing up? And if this child is able to manage those emotions well, i.e. investing his time in a fruitful activity like reading; s/he has already acquired the life skills of ‘managing stress’!

I know a couple of parents who make sure to ask their children to figure out at least 10 new words daily and learn them up. I am not denying the idea of learning new words here, but it’s about the way we are forcing the child to learn them. We have to create a fine balance between: do we want a child to read for the pleasure of reading or do we want the child to read so that she can learn new words? Sure, we can’t isolate both, as both are equally important. However, we need to shift our stand as parents here. Let’s not ask the child to read for enhancing his/her vocabulary! Let’s start asking the child to read in order to juice out the fun of the story! If a child is interested in reading the content, s/he would want to understand the meanings of what s/he is reading and his/her vocabulary will increase automatically as an outcome!

Once we understand that it is extremely important for us to expose our children to reading; the next thing parents usually get stuck with is- Genres! “Which genres should I expose my child with? Humor (comics)? Sci-fi, General Knowledge, current affairs, History, stories, what exactly?” Different genres have different stuff to offer. While reading stories that are full of fiction and fantasy, one gets to enhance his/her imagination and thinking quality; on the same hand reading about history- biographies and autobiographies help me develop my own perspectives. History tells me there is nothing right or wrong and each opinion stands as a perspective of someone and I have the ability to support/ reject/ create my own perspectives! Reading about sci-fi and/or encyclopedias help me expand my horizons about knowing and understanding the world around me, helps me wonder about things around and explore more and more scientifically about them.

Once a child really gets involved in reading, there is hardly any need for us to remind him/her how important an activity it is! However, is there still something that we can do as parents to get involved? Can we become a part of the child’s reading world? The answer is YES! Parents in fact can become one of the best sources to channelize and use this engagement of the child with books. Discussions over books and whatever is being read, can become one of the best sources of creating connect within the families! Let the discussions spill over from the content of the story to discussing what both you and the child think about the protagonists and the way the story unfolds.  

So get your reading hats on and get set to explore the world of books from the lens of your kids!

Written By Nupur Mahajan, Parwarish