As parents, you have said
these words a million times.
“Eat your vegetables.”
“Put the video game away
and complete your homework.”
“Shut the computer and go
and play.”
You have also heard the
responses.
“My stomach hurts.”
“I’ll do it tomorrow.”
“Just ten more minutes.”
Life with children is an
ongoing negotiation; be it about sleeping on time, studying, watching TV, or
spending time on the computer. The word, negotiating, sounds like a ‘bad’ word.
Should you be negotiating with your children at all? But whether you like it or
not, we all are doing it.
Negotiating with children
is a challenging process and when not done right leads to unhappiness and
frustration. As parents, you may feel you gave in too early while your children
may feel they had no say in the matter. Whatever the outcome maybe, someone is
always unhappy. So, how can you negotiate more successfully with your children?
Let’s look at some of the
negotiating skills we use at work to resolve issues and see how you can
translate these into helping you negotiate with your children at home. At work
we usually proceed with a plan that involves initiating a discussion,
identifying the problem at hand, discussing possible solutions and listing them
down, analyzing all the solutions to narrow down on one, implementing the
solution, and reviewing at a later date to assess its effectiveness and
tweaking the solution, if required.
These things come
naturally to us when we are at work. Now it’s time to take this home!
1. Initiate a discussion: Get together in a
room with your child and initiate a discussion on the issue at hand. You could
start the discussion with something like, “So, here’s a situation. Let’s figure
out, how we can resolve it.” By not accusing the child of having a problem, you
are avoiding a situation where the child might get defensive right at the
start. The problem / issue is not with the child – it’s an issue you both
are dealing with together.
2. Identify the problem
clearly: It’s important to state
the problem clearly. If the problem is that the child is watching TV for three
hours every day then say it. But at the same time, remember not to club issues
together. For example, you may say, “You are playing too many video games
and that’s why you are not getting good grades.” If that’s actually the case,
then state it but if playing video games is either not clearly the reason for
low grades or not the only reason for low grades, then don’t link the two. Be
specific to the problem at hand.
3. Write down everyone’s
idea: Make
a list of all the ideas proposed during the discussion. Remember not to reject
or criticize any idea, however bizarre it may sound. While sharing ideas listen
to your child’s point of view – it’s a valid point of view.
4. Discuss
all ideas and narrow down to a solution: Once all the ideas are on the table, you
can start to narrow down to a solution. With consensus: delete, add, or club
ideas to identify a few possible solutions. It may not always be possible to
narrow down to one solution but through discussion, everyone can be persuaded
to try out a solution to start with.
5. Assign responsibilities: Once the solution is decided, it is important to run through how it will be implemented so that everyone knows what they are supposed to do.
6.
Propose a review of the solution: Propose a review date for the solution to see how well
it is working. This gives you an option to revisit the solution and if it is
not working, you can suggest some changes to make it more effective.
Here is what this
approach does -
· It targets the problem and
not the persons involved; parents or children. This prevents any resentment
from brewing between the two.
· It derives solutions
through consensus, making the children feel involved in the decision-making
process. This makes it more likely to succeed.
· The ideation and open
discussion helps build trust between parents and children.
· Also, it trains them in
resolving issues amicably in life!
So, next time you negotiate with your children, remember that
negotiating is not about winning or losing. It is about exploring options
objectively and creating a win – win for all.
